Introducing Structure - Day Two

Nighttime Waking

As I mentioned in Day One Ella wakes me on average 5 times overnight to feed back to sleep.  She doesn't need the food, she just wants the comfort and no amount of back rubbing, hand holding or face stroking will cut it.
As this was technically our first nighttime following the 'new' routine I was expecting chaos, but I was pleasantly surprised!  Ella first woke to feed at 1.04am (this is usual on a 'good' night) and she settled straight back off to sleep on the boob.  The next time she woke was at 4.08am and sadly it took 2 feeds totaling 45 minutes before I could finally go back to sleep.  The next time she woke was at about 7.20am.  It's not the best night we have ever had, but it was pretty darn good!

9.45am First Nap

Getting up at 7.30am is kind of a new experience for me with Ella, I can usually coax her to a few more hours (if I give enough feeds) but the fact that most days I'm still not dressed at 11am has been driving me crazy for a while.  The early start meant that not only could I get myself, the dogs and Ella fed and ready at a sensible time, I also managed to catch up on a tiny bit of house-work!  It was all going so well until the first nap time rolled round.
At about 9.45am I took her up to our room and pulled the curtains, she was due a feed and so I fed her, she was starting to drift off after 15 minutes so I popped her off.  During this winding she became wide awake and this time when I tried to settle her down the screaming started immediately, my tiny daughter seemed already wise to my games.
As before I let her whine, scream and rage for an hour (with me doing my best to soothe her without picking her up) before I figured she better have a calorie top up to replenish those lost in her diva antics.  This time she only lasted 7 minutes before falling asleep, I burped and placed her back in the cot and although I got another glare from my troubles she went straight back off to sleep.
She napped for only 30 minutes and I figured this was fine.

3.15pm Second Nap

We were really late for the second nap (by an hour and 45 minutes!) but in my defence I'm flying solo at the moment and we had to go to the shops, make lunch and we've just started baby led weaning which takes forever and has to be timed between feeds and naps.  There was a point after she'd fed her face with puree that she was getting drowsy in her high chair and we even reclined it in the hopes that she would fall asleep, she didn't.
When I took her upstairs I had to place her in our bed as the sheets from her cot were being washed due to her rage induced vomit fest during nap 1.  Ella started pulling all her charms out of the bag, cooing, 'talking' and stroking my arm.  When it became apparent that this wasn't going to work the meltdown started.  I'll admit I weakened and could only cope with 30 minutes of her screams, she was looking at me so heart broken that I just couldn't bear it.  Ella only fed for 5 minutes before being so drowsy that I popped her off, skipped the winding and placed her on our bed (surrounded by pillows to stop her rolling)  I still felt so guilty that I just couldn't leave her and instead sat on the bed with her for almost an hour.
I did manage to maneuver myself off the bed eventually and go downstairs without her waking, in total she slept for over 2 hours, she clearly needed it.

7.10pm Bedtime

In the hopes that solid food may help her sleep better we managed to get her to eat again at about 6.20pm but this sadly meant that our usual 6.30pm bath and bed was severely pushed back.  Ella was in a great mood during her bath and I even managed to distract her to avoid the usual meltdown that happens when she's put in her sleepsuit and Grobag.
We fed for 17 minutes before she was getting drowsy and this time burping her produced nothing.  We then read a 5 minute story and yet again she was wide awake, this time however she did not settle to sleep within a few minutes and we are now 35 minutes in to protesting with whiny cries/screams and showing no sign of letting up anytime soon :(

Introducing Structure at 6 Months - Day One

I can't believe my precious girl is 6 months already! It seems like Ella has been with us forever and yet at the same time her first 6 months have whizzed by.
We've started solids by way of baby led weaning and it's becoming apparent that our little madam really knows her own mind. Ella is high maintenance and a complete Jekyll and Hyde. If we are out, she is being fussed over or is in her sling she is an absolute angel. If Mummy tries to put her down or insists that she really needs to nap, my sweet angel is replaced by a raging, angry sod that isn't calmed until Mummy gives in. Yes, she will literally lay in the arms of the Mr or a Grandparent and scream until she either passes out from exhaustion or Mummy can't take it anymore and caves in by picking her up.
I have to return to work soon and so it would be cruel of me to not try and soothe these anger issues before I do.
Another Mummy friend has been through something similar with her daughter and talked me through the importance of setting and sticking to a routine.
Other than bedtime (bath, story and boob until asleep) we have let Ella set her own schedule during the day and I'm going to say her schedule sucks. She won't nap unless fed to sleep, will not tolerate being put down for more than a few minutes and wakes me on average 5 times a night demanding Mummy Dummy (boobie) to settle herself back to sleep. Ella rages unless she gets what she wants immediately and Mummy has learned it is easier to just give in. I'm trying to remind myself that sorting this now is best for her long term, but in my head all I have swilling round is the evidence that letting them find their own routine is best and the look of sadness she gives me when I try to be firm breaks my heart.
We will be starting small with waking her at a set time each day (regardless of how little sleep she's given anyone) and operating on a 2 hour awake and then nap schedule. I also need to stop feeding her to sleep as she seems to struggle to fall asleep on her own.
I'm dreading it and thought it may be best to document our first week so I can see if there is any improvement.

Day One

Technically we started half way through her day as I didn't chat to my Mummy friend until lunch.

4.30pm Nap

We headed upstairs with a dry nappy and a full tum. I darkened the room and we then read a book.  Ella was full of smiles even when I initially put her in the cot. Although she had been eye rubbing and it was about 2 hours since she had last woken up she decided to play by rolling around the cot.
At about 4.45pm Ella realized that Mummy wasn't planning on budging from her spot next to the cot to pick her up, so the grumbling started. I tried to hold her hand, rub her face and back, anything to soothe her that wasn't picking her up. Ella soon realized she was being forced to nap so the grumbling turned to crying with tears. Once Ella realized this was still not having the desired effect she turned the rage factor up to 10; beetroot faced, being sick, screaming to the point it hurts your own throat to hear it and thrashing around her cot.
This went on until 5.45pm when I figured an hour of raging expends a lot of calories so a feed should be offered.
Unsurprisingly she was so shattered that the fell asleep 10 minutes in to her feed and I had to pop her off and lay her in the cot. Ella did open her eyes and glared at me in an accusing manner as I put her down, but she didn't wake up fully or meltdown all over again like she usually does, so as technically she went to sleep whilst in her cot, I'm taking this as a win.
It's now 6.20pm and Ella should really be getting ready for her bath in 10 minutes so we can start her bed routine. I now don't know whether to wake her or let her sleep through. My small feeling of victory has gone out the window, well played Miss Ella, well played.

 7.00pm Bedtime

Due to Miss Ella being a pickle and fighting the nap we were 30 minutes late starting our bedtime routine (bath, sleepsuit with Grobag, story with boobie until she is asleep, carefully transfer to the cot whilst praying she doesn't wake up, if she wakes repeat with from boobie as many times as needed) so things were not off to a good start.
I have no idea if it was that she was still shattered from her nap fighting meltdown or if she had noticed Mummy was being a bit firmer, but she raged through her entire bath (something she usually enjoys) and I joked to the Mr that she was definitely turning the rage up to 11.  I had never seen her this angry and at one point she projectile vomited all over herself in the bath purely through rage.
At 7.15pm I had finally wrestled her into the sleepsuit and Grobag, her once clean face a mess of snot, tears and angry red splotches.  Ella initially guzzled greedily during her feed, but 15 minutes in she had slowed right down and I knew she was falling asleep.  I popped her off and was now faced with a dilemma; usually I had a 25% chance of transferring her to the cot still asleep and my instincts were screaming at me to do this, but I had been advised that burping her after her bed feed was vital as gas could keep her awake and see me spending my evening chasing up and down the stairs to settle her.
I started to wind her and was amazed when she instantly gave up two large burps, but still stayed asleep.  Not wanting to push my luck I actually started to lower her carefully into the cot until I realized that this usual behavior of putting her into the cot asleep is what is causing the problems with her not being able to fall asleep without me.
Gently maneuvering her into a sitting position I started to read her a 5 minute story that I had downloaded free on my phone.  By a page in she was wide awake, cooing and gurgling; my spirits plummeted as she was now wide awake again.  Once the story was over I calmly told Miss Ella that it was time to sleep and kissed her goodnight, I knew this was going to be a long one and coolly wondered if it would take her longer to fall asleep then the nap saga earlier.
Immediately after being put in her cot Miss Ella was 'talking' to me.  I simply laid my arm next to her and picked up phone.  I was trying to portray an image of 'I'm here, but I'm not interacting with you'.  Within a few minutes Miss Ella had wriggled into a position she obviously found comfortable and fallen asleep.
I sat there for 10 more minutes just waiting for her to wake up and start screaming.  Getting her settled and asleep after her bath in under 30 minutes?  No way!

Dream Feed

For the entire evening I was glued to the baby monitor just expecting her to wake up, furious that I'd somehow tricked her in to falling asleep without a meltdown.  Just to keep me on my toes she decided to fall asleep on her stomach and I was fighting the desire to flip her from the installed cot death sleeping guidelines.  I kept repeating that she was now more than capable of maneuvering herself if need be and that waking her after she self settled was a really stupid idea.  Instead I kept checking on her (stupid as we have an angel care sensor pad fitted, but I'm neurotic!) and she didn't move from this position once.
Ella did not wake until we came up at 10.30pm when a combination of the dogs and the Mr loudly coughing proved too much for the poor thing to sleep through.
We always dream feed when I come up to bed as I optimistically believe it will help her sleep through for longer.  I tried to pop her off before she fell asleep, but she surprised me by taking less than 20 minutes, I did wind her but she was pretty much asleep before I put her in the cot and there was no way I was going to wake her as that goes against the idea of a dream feed.

Our first day was less difficult than I expected and she fully surprised me with how easily she settled at bed time.  I'm not foolish enough to believe she is going to repeat this again and part of me fears I'm going to pay for it in some way, fingers crossed she doesn't exact her revenge overnight!

Those First Few Weeks

Although it may have been just over 3 months ago, those first two weeks still haunt me.
For the first 5 days we were stuck in hospital and I felt like I was being torn apart every night we had to say goodbye to the Mr. It wasn't helped by the fact I felt like a failure on the feeding front and that little Miss turned into a demon child as soon as the Mr left.
Yes I knew on some level that she was reacting to my anguish over being seperated from the Mr, but my poor sleep deprived brain couldn't help but imagine that little Miss resented being left alone with me.
The Mr also had a run in with one of the midwives after she decided to critique his feeding technique as being too soft and then swooped in to pick up little Miss and took her over to the new mum opposite, all the while exclaiming that little Miss clearly thought herself a princess (aka diva) and that we were pandering to her. As the Mr demanded our child back and none too politely told the midwife to back off, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

I felt like a failure for not defending our daughter and I was sick with worry over being stuck with a midwife overnight that my husband had just pulled up in front of the entire ward. That night was the first time I broke down post labour, quietly sobbing behind the hospital curtains and praying no one would hear me.

Once home Ellie was inconsolable. It was not unusual for her to cry unless sleeping or feeding and nothing we did could console her.

They were the darkest of days and the time that we constantly questioned whether we had made the right decision fighting so hard to become parents.

Health visitors and midwives seem to be visiting constantly during the early weeks and each visit would entail the post natal depression chat and each time I'd attach a suitablely sombre look to my face and tell them I knew the signs to look for and that I was fine, no really. They all gave me the same not quite buying it look, but none really pressed.

Admitting I wasn't coping and that there were times when I regretted the IVF felt like I was admitting to failure and that this made me a terrible mother.

My lowest ebb was when the Mr had left us to do something upstairs and she screamed at me for what felt like hours. Nothing would soothe her and my frazzled nerves were plummetting.  I had to put her in her moses basket and take a step back. Just as I was trying to calm myself down a stray thought popped in to my head; this is your life now. I'll admit that I curled into a ball on the sofa and sobbed right along with her, it all just seemed so bleak.

There were also times that I am ashamed to admit I raised my voice at her. Immediately after I've always felt intense guilt at my short outburst, but this blog is supposed to be about honesty.

The midwives talk about putting baby down and leaving the room if your temper is rising and we both had to do this several times when the screaming got too much.

Now I am safely out the other side of the newborn phase, I can also look back at a lot of our time as treasured memories. It feels all doom and gloom when you're living it, but I promise it isn't. 

Once we figured out that Ellie liked to be held and hated being put down, we occasionally managed to soothe her. I miss the early days of her snuggled on my chest so tiny and napping away most of the day. Her cute grumpy cat sleeping face and Mick Jagger waking pout has sadly faded, but I know the memories of these are safely locked in my heart forever.

For those Mamas currently struggling with the early weeks, I just want to tell you to hang in there. I didn't believe it when people said to me, but it does get easier. Don't be afraid to admit you need help with how you are feeling and never think you are a failure or abnormal for feeling the way you do. Talking really does help and I promise you will be surprised at how many women admit to feeling exactly the same way. If you don't have a support network of friends or family that you can confide in then reach out to your midwife or GP. Join baby groups, lots are free! Getting out of the house, enjoying some fresh air and speaking to mums experiencing the same as you really does help, even if getting to the class roughly on time feels like climbing Everest blindfolded!